MY WORLD IN TEN IMAGES: #2

Jim McGuinn's 12-string Rickenbacker sound

MY WORLD IN TEN IMAGES: #1

The back cover of Revolver

CV OF FAILURE

1976: Cast as Ignorance, non-speaking part in primary school play, A Christmas Carol
1984: Gave up classical guitar Grade 5 because it was too difficult
1986: Got a C in A-level French, my favourite and strongest subject
1988: Demoted from Seconds to Thirds university football team
1989: Awarded a 2/2 degree in Architecture from Nottingham University; gave up vocational training for good
1990: Sacked from job in Sydney for scruffiness and casual attitude; nearly killed by falling beer barrel
1991: Caught mystery gastrointestinal disease in Calcutta and lost 15 kilos in weight; nearly killed by charging train of mules on narrow Himalayan bridge
1994: Fell out with best friend while staying at his house in Newcastle; never saw him again.
1995: Dumped by Spanish girlfriend in Bilbao
1996: Failed DTEFLA written exam paper and had to wait a year to retake
2003: Failed written exam for Module 2 of Masters in Development Studies (Open University) and dropped out of course
2005: Kicked out of Anglo-Korean rock band The Fireseeds in Seoul for overbearing attitude and insistence on band playing Watton originals
2009: Dropped by Birmingham University for wanting to work part-time; resigned from part-time ecocentre job.
2011: Unemployed for 3 months with no income as portfolio career ground to a standstill
2014: Busked all day in Birmingham City centre; repeatedly moved on and earned grand total of £13.
2020: Supported the union's call to strike just before the whole world went into lockdown; came back to work on 16 March, the day everybody else started working from home.

TORY CODE OF CONDUCT

• Lie
• Obfuscate
• Blame
• Backtrack
• Improvise
• Evade
• Distract

BANDWIDTH

My system is frozen
My hair is a mess
My skin looks terrible
My speech is stuttering
My hearing is impaired
My brain is bamboozled
I don't have the bandwidth to take it all in
I've made an appointment with my GP to run a speed test
I asked for an Ethernet cable to be plugged into my arm
Pretty soon I may need to go on IT support

THE MAGIC MONEY TREE (PART 1)

As she absentmindedly opened her bank statement, Daisy squinted uncertainly at the screen of her tablet. What? There must be some mistake. Instead of the usual modest three digits, a one and four zeroes trailed across the white page: £10,000,762! Where had all those extra digits appeared from? Was this some kind of joke or scam? She shook her head and refreshed the page. The numbers remained stubbornly in their places. One hour later, a series of confusing conversations with the bank had only deepened the mystery. "An untraceable, anonymous donor has legitimately deposited £10 million into your bank account" was the gist of it.

Daisy decided to be patient. So a magic money tree had dropped a £10-million apple into her lap. Yeah, right! There had to be a simple explanation for this mysterious endowment of benevolence. It was only a matter of time before a letter from the bank would plop onto her doormat, explaining all. This strange incident really wasn't worth mentioning to anyone among her circle of family and friends.

And so Daisy waited. A week went by, then a month, then three. Then one day a new quarterly statement appeared in her inbox. It included her annual interest. Last year, she recalled, this had amounted to the princely sum of £1.50; this year it was £36,472. Thirty-six thousand, four hundred and seventy-two quid! Daisy rose from her desk, stared out of the window, and exhaled long and hard. This wasn't a fantasy any more, this magic money tree was real, and it was starting to drop more apples!

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS

What is fear but the opportunity to show courage?
What is waiting but the opportunity to show patience?
What is following but the opportunity to lead?
What is fire-fighting but the opportunity to flameproof?
What is meanness but the opportunity for compassion?
What is abandonment but the opportunity for support?
What is selfishness but the opportunity for generosity?
What is pride but the opportunity to show humility?
What are all these things but the opportunity for growth?

ZOOM MADONNA

As my amused muse poses for the artist
Her face is a picture of serenity
Against a rich screen of lapiz lazuli
How I love to watch the trace of a smile
Flicker elegantly across her features
A classical beauty framed in mundane black plastic
How much more she merits
A sumptuous surround of gold leaf would not befit her
A widescreen replaced with a golden mean
How the cobblestones must miss her fleeting footsteps
The cold columns her gentle caress
How lonely the boys
Draped over their mopeds in hollowed out streets
Dreaming of a time when their catcalls pinged around the piazzas
How the pews of the basilica
Long to welcome her in silent prayer
How downcast are the alabaster pilasters and fabulous frescoes
Melancholy in their baroque majesty
But the zoom Madonna returns my gaze
Renaissance woman
The face that launched a thousand conference calls